Looking back at this night – hell, the past five days – I realize that I just need people. I need to talk to people. I need to be touched. I need some kind of reciprocal communication. I need to be told that I am special. I need to be loved. My ‘normal’ life does not provide this from whom it should. There’s nothing wrong with getting that communication portion from friends and others – but it should include my wife. I am going to attempt to fix that upon her return.
I also have come to the realization that I will have to insert myself into my family’s lives more. I will have to work on the homeworks and on getting all of them weaned from the damn TV and computer. That is my only hope in raising good, polite, smart children and in having some semblance of a return to a regular, healthy relationship with my wife.
Yesterday – after a nice morning sex session – we spent the rest of the morning working on some long-term projects together. It was an enjoyable day. We had plans to go to a party last night – without kids!
I didn’t know how many people were invited and to be honest, kind of hoped that we would be able to find a bathroom, removed from the festivities. I kind of like doing that and she normally is receptive to the whole idea.
Sadly the wife started drinking mid-afternoon. She had almost two or three glasses before we had left and was almost to angry-drunk mode. It was not shaping up to be a nice evening. We arrived and there were only about seven other people. The way that the house was situated, we would not be able to escape for fifteen minutes unnoticed. Oh well. She continued drinking. There’s a point – a bit after cute drunk, around the time of angry drunk – where she becomes a bit more animated. This can be good (if we are having sex) but can be bad in company. She talks as if she knows a bit more than she does and can embarrass herself – or others – without being aware of it. This was where she was last night. She actually only put her foot in her mouth a couple of times and only alienated one person – not bad.
Her path progressed to quiet, drunk lady. She has no expression and will not say anything aloud. She may mumble to herself – but it starts not being so pretty any longer. I read that it was time to go. Saying good-bye took a bit longer. She was almost angry and was babbling about nothing in particular – but it was VERY important to her. I was hoping that she would fall asleep soon. She finally did about halfway home.
I knew there was no chance for anything last night. I didn’t even want to try. She was quiet again and slipped into bed and was out.
Since the kids were away, I figured that we had a great opportunity in the morning again. Nope. Not even a good morning kiss. She was stumbling around – hangover-ish. I stayed in bed and slept another hour and half. I tried to initiate a last ditch effort but she was not receptive.
Before noon, she was hitting the hair of the dog.
In looking at these posts – there’s a correlation between having sex and her drinking. When she isn’t drinking, I’m not getting any. I’m miserable during those times. Here’s the magic question? Is it worth it? Let her drink and deal with those circumstances – but get laid…..
I came back to town knowing that my wife would be at the tail-end of her cycle. Sometimes that makes her horny as well. We had been fighting over the phone a bit and I suggested that we go out to dinner together. It really was not an excuse to get naked and I really hadn’t thought of the dinner as anything more than that.
When I asked you about it, you thought it was a good idea and didn’t care where we went to eat. BUT – you made a point of telling me that your cycle had just started that morning and it was a heavy one. I found that a bit odd – since you told me on Sunday that your cycle was the excuse why we weren’t having sex then. I foolhardily mentioned this and you got pissed! Your excuse was something about ’spotting first’ and then the cycle – like if I don’t have a clue about YOUR cycle. Hell, I schedule vacations around it so that we can have non-bloody, booting banging!
I decide on a place for dinner that you agreed to. We start driving and you pretty much tell me that you want to go somewhere else – a place that you HAD mentioned to me. Yes, you mentioned the food genre but did not go as far as naming a place as I had asked. I changed course and went to that restaurant for you – which you got mad at me for changing the plans. I can’t win.
Three glasses of wine later and you are Chatty Cathy and telling people the same story twice or even three times. Welcome back to my hell. We get home and you magically have to go to bed – without me.
So, I catch you in a MAJOR LIE, take you to dinner, and I am the bad person? I wasn’t asking for sex or even anything sexual but yet you make me feel like the bad guy.
I scoured the internet for masturbation videos to see if it was something that I had maybe seen – nope.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Ashley Alexandra Dupre, Client 9, communication, Kristin, prostitution, relationships, Spitzer
With everything that has been going on with (now former) Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer and the prostitution ring – it has really made me think more about his situation. I am sure that someday soon the sordid acts will hit the press and lots of people will be blaming the girl and others the guy. For my generation, hookers were never a part of my life. I am quite sure that for my fathers and grandfathers that visiting prostitutes was much more rampant. We all joked about it more through high school and our early twenties. To be truthful – sex was pretty much available to us we just had to work at it more. As opposed to girls who can have sex ANY TIME they want – there will always be a willing participant. I digress. I have always known someone that I worked with or hung out with that ’said’ that they have used hookers. They tended to be older than me, in comparison I’d say they were uglier than me, and their ultimate comparison was always that with dating, you spent $100 on dinner and there was no guarantee of sex. With a hooker, there was a guarantee and you didn’t have to feed them! I even had one business associate say that he liked escorts in other cities because it gave him someone to have dinner with or to go dancing with. He claimed that he rarely had sex – they charge by the hour so they really didn’t care what they did.
There have been many ‘revelations’ by late night news talk shows with current and past ‘escorts’. I have a regular read also from a Vegas blogger that writes for the Las Vegas Weekly. Check out his story here. A common thread is that the majority of the people who frequent prostitutes are middle aged, married, and not necessarily just there for the sex. Yes, there are those who want someone who will let someone do something that their wives won’t allow them to do or to do something TO them that their wives won’t do to them. But those seem to be the exceptions. Most of the people making the circuits and the talking Doctors all say that most of the men just want to be able to talk, to be held, and that the sex ends up being just a by-product of the event and all admitted that it does not always occur.
I have been talking with Best Friend a lot lately and we have come up with the reason that we all put up with crap in our personal lives is that it becomes the new ‘normal’ for us. It becomes commonplace for me to have to deal with someone who drinks and gets strange while drinking. Should this be normal? No. But, the alternative often has such deeper impacts that you deal with it.
I have found that what I do not get from my wife – I get from other places. Kind of like my Surrogate Spouse theory. We look for that interaction that we are missing from others. Not necessarily sexual – but things like conversation, touching, admiration, among others. When my wife stopped talking to me about my day, what I was doing, and just general conversations – I found that I would purposely seek out friends, lunch mates, even just phoning far away friends to have that conversation part of my life covered. Touching has also been something that I look for elsewhere – not sexual touching – but just holding hands or sitting next to me. Having someone just interested in how you are doing is nice sometimes.
This leads me back to the original thoughts of why someone like the Governor (or a President, an Actor, a Husband) would risk their lives and fortune to have an affair? Yes you could argue that they were thinking with their ‘other’ head. But I think that it’s because it’s worth the risk to have those feelings. I have had drinks or food with B.F. and have publically (or at least under the table) held hands or sat with my arm around her. If you think about that, that is pretty stupid. If someone that I knew, or knew my wife, or knew her, or her husband – how would you explain that? I’m sure that I could explain it to my wife and I think that she would ultimately understand. But nobody else would. I still do it because it’s what I NEED. And it IS worth the risk.
I’m back to the schedule where my wife won’t have sex with me. I can’t explain it any more and cannot find the rhyme or reason as to when or why. All of these articles and shows talking about it makes me think about it further. Would it be possible? Having an affair with someone while you are married pretty much gets the ol’ stink-eye from everyone. But visiting a prostitute isn’t looked at nearly as bad. Maybe I should look into it more. It may satisfy my sexual needs and hell, I could use the attention sometimes. This escort was $2,000 an HOUR. They were in the room for two hours. Although I have been able to boast of some sexual prowess in my early years – it’s very difficult to have sex for two straight hours. So you know that they talked – or touched – or did something else during that time period. I do not have a spare $8k hanging around and now with all of these news shows I know NOT to have a prostitute cross the state lines. What do think hookers get here in my city?
When they bust ‘johns’ on hooker-row, they seem to be offering $20 for a hand job. Sex seems to go for around $60. There are escort services advertised locally and on Craigslist. I’m too chicken to call them to ask pricing. I’m so freakin’ cheap I make myself sick.
Anyway – these are just my thoughts. I find it funny that girl ‘Kristin’ is getting offers to publish her songs and set her up as a singer. I can just tell you that she’s never gonna get over that $2,000/an hour thing. Her name is Ashley Alexandra Dupre and she has a myspace page and go to any news/gossip site and they’ll have the link. She will never be treated seriously. It’s kind of like when porn-star-turned-actress Traci Lords wanted to be treated seriously. People have seen her movies and know what she did on film for money. I saw an interview with her after she had pretty much given up on the movies because she said that the actors, directors, and producers all wanted to fuck her instead. No matter how much she fought it – it was there. I think that she finally gave up on ’serious’ roles and was stuck in campy TV roles. This poor girl, no matter how well she can sing, will always be talked about – not just behind her back – about what she did. There will always be a promoter, a producer, a record company guy, a security guy – hell, a stagehand – that will always bring it up in conversation. I cannot fault her for what she has chosen to do. I have a feeling that more women have thought about it sometime in their lives. People use sex for other things to get what they want – why is it any worse to ask for money for it? Obviously there’s a market out there for it. Yes there are risks – robbery, disease, death. But if you are careful – I bet there’s some good money in it! If you could get back on your feet monetarily by talking to, touching, and the occasional having sex with somebody – who are we to judge? Hell, there are people doing that NOT FOR MONEY. She could go work for $7.50 an hour at a fast food place and never get out of her situation and then she’ll still be judged as someone who isn’t living up to their potential.
I wish the girl the best in her life. I’m sure that a lot of opportunities will present themselves to her and I hope she makes good decesions. I’m a bit pissed – as a guy – at the Governor for screwing up his family. I’m even more pissed as a citizen that an elected official didn’t have more forethought to NOT transport someone from across the state lines and using our tax dollars for his security detail. He makes our country look bad for just not thinking. What an idiot. I hope that he’s happy being disbarred, probably divorced, and being the butt of jokes for quite a long while.
Was all that worth it?
After a morning of wife and I mostly not speaking to each other and my making comments about what she ‘remembered’ about last night’s dinner – we pretty much were just not talking to each other. She worked on her stuff, I worked on mine.
Best friend called me this morning and was strangely calm on the phone. She asked how I was and what was going on.
Then she told me. She asked her husband – or the guy she married that sort of shares a house with her – for a divorce last night. Apparently after we had talked on the phone, she found him gambling online again and she hit the roof! That started the process whereby she would ask questions and he would just sit there or reply with ‘what do you want me to say’. For all guys out there – NEVER say that. All in all, she presented the facts to him – he didn’t reply or refused to answer anything and she asked for a divorce. She went to bed, woke up and went to work.
Holy crap.
I am so happy for her in that she made the decision but scared for her in that he’s truly not ‘normal’ and I fear for her and her kids for what I feel he’s capable of – not so much physically but emotionally. I hope that it can be a quick, clean break so that she can move on and normalize her life again.
This weekend sucked. Saturday started out okay but quickly turned sour. We could not see eye-to-eye on anything and all but just ignored each other. Lots of yelling. Lots of blaming.
I am not a good fighter in that often my mouth says things that are not so nice before my brain can stop my lips. It’s not one of my more redeeming qualities. When we fight – it helps to express our feelings but often we are hurtful – and that’s not good. I try to rein it in but it doesn’t work all the time.
Yesterday I was in such a mood that even if she had stripped butt naked and spread out for me, I would not go there. It’s VERY rare for me to ever feel that way but it was all I could do to just be in the same house.
Today started like it could go okay but again fell apart by lunchtime.
The stress this puts on me sometimes makes me feel like my head will explode. It cannot be healthy.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: clothes, communication, Friends, relationships, Sex Observations
Today we had planned on a couple of meetings. One was a formal signing of some official paperwork, the other was something to help us get some things done around the house. We had purposely planned on our meeting after lunch.
I purposely had dressed up. I don’t get the occasion to dress up enough. I like dressing up – I think guys have it easier in that a nice pair of pants and a crisp shirt and we pretty much look good. Women have so many things to have ‘put together’ that it takes too long…
I looked good. My intentions were that after the meetings that she would not object to our going home for a quick ‘nooner. My problem is that I do not think so clearly sometimes as had I checked a little bit – I would have noticed that it was a half-day for the kids at school and they would be in tow. Oh well.
She did at least mention to me that I ‘matched’ – which put me in a bit of a foul mood as I really think that I ‘match’ more than most men. She really didn’t say anything more than that. Not a ‘wow’, or a ‘you look nice’, or something more like ‘i want you in me now’. I just get that i ‘matched’.
After signing everything and our parting ways I was really feeling a bit crappy and wanted to go out and have someone tell me that I looked good. I also REALLY wanted a drink – I had had a bad day at work and really wanted one.
I texted Best Friend – she was having a bad day as well but could not go out as she does have a family to take care of.
I called another friend – one that I like talking to more often than we do. We have great conversations and I like to spend time with her. She’s a bit older than I am with an adult son. We’ve known eachother for almost ten years(?!). Sadly, we only get together to eat or drink. I wasn’t ready to eat and a drink was just timely! We met at a hotel bar that used to be a busy place – it wasn’t. It has big comfy couches and we parked ourselves in the corner. It was right next to the entrance to one of the fanciest restaurants in the city so we got to see everyone as they entered.
She had just got off from work. She said I looked AWESOME! She noticed that I was thinner. Talk about an ego boost – it was exactly what I needed. As we sort of caught up, talked about current events, talked about work and people that we both used to work with – we watched the people filing into the restaurant. I couldn’t help but notice that probably everyone who was waiting to be seating would look at us and wonder what OUR story was. Older lady with younger guy – meeting on a Friday night. It was kind of funny.
Wife called and wondered where I was – which was strange as she hasn’t called in quite a few months. I told her where I was and who I was with and she acted kind of pissed at me. We shared one drink together and I picked up dinner on the way home.
I can tell if there’s going to be any ‘bedroom action’ later in a day depending on what food she eats or orders. Mexican food? Not on my life. Crab Legs? Pretty good bet. She asked me to pick up Mexican.
She was such a bitch when I came home and was very argumentative. I don’t know if she was upset that I had stopped off for a drink or the fact that I had left work early to in order to go have a drink. Whatever it was – she wasn’t talking about it.
Oh well. It was worth it. Someone noticed that I looked good and said it out loud to me.
I felt much better.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: communciation, Having Sex, Making Love, masturbation, relationships, touching, Video
Wife has returned from several days away. We talked and IM’d a bit while she was gone but pretty much didn’t talk much.
After Saturday’s self-abuse, I was pretty primed for something to happen. I never know what kind of a mood she will be in so it was a bit of crap shoot.
She was VERY friendly when I came home. She kissed – or more to the point – allowed me to kiss her. We hugged, we cuddled. The kids were not in the mood to do anything that they were supposed to and dinner was already in the oven. We met in the hallway and I hugged her and told her that we could just get things out of the way and go to our room now. She rolled her eyes and laughed in her ‘not on your life’ way. But then, she came up behind me and said, “Ok, let’s go…”. We gave the kids things to do and went to our room.
She mentioned something about my having to see her ‘tinks’. Apparently, on her trip they all temporary tattooed themselves. She had one on the inside of her left breast and one right above her ass crack. Her bra was one that barely covered the nipples and pretty much had me standing at attention right away. We crawled into bed and she wanted to turn out the lights. I said no way. I told her of my weekend and how much I had missed her. She had missed me as well but didn’t take to the self pleasure as I had. She was a bit surprised that I had taken out the latex pussy as she thought that it was just a novelty since we couldn’t figure it out years ago. I tolder her how it satisfied the one need, but how it just made me feel more alone….
She talked about their making snow angels on her trip and I acted confused as to how that did that. She showed me in bed and I took advantage of her legs being open and jumped in the middle of them.
She tried to stop me from going down on her – something that I said I was not going to listen to her about. She wanted me in her and I said that I had to lick the real thing. I can tell when she’s not concentrating as to how she reacts to licking. Whether it’s because of her worrying if the kids tried to come into the room or if her mind was elsewhere – it took her a bit longer than normal to climax. As I have said before, the taste of a wet pussy trumps any other.
I kissed my way from her, down a thigh, back up, down the other, then up to her breasts, then up to her neck and ear and around to her lips. While doing so, I repositioned so that my penis entered her already wet body about the time I hit her ear. The combination sigh and contraction around my penis was exciting.
We continued to kiss eachother while our hands roamed about. I told her how she needs to watch how we were in the movies. She said that we were twenty years old in those movies and I said that we still had that in us. I asked in what position she wanted me when I came as I was getting very close. She asked which I wanted – I said all over her chest. I pointed out that her new ‘tink’ tattoo would look sexy with my cum all over her….
I think that she wanted to enjoy her temporary tattoo a bit longer so she started working her hips a bit more in time with mine and I came quite happily where I was at.
She wanted to get up and get dressed immediately and wasn’t listening to my pretty much begging her to come back. I was still quite hard and knew that I could be ready for another round. It wasn’t happening. I had to be content with a nice, quick, love-making session while I had it.
As she redressed, I told her that this was just an ‘appetizer’ to later in the night. She did laugh with that ‘not on your life’ way and I knew that it wasn’t going to happen.
Maybe we’ll get to watch the movies together and talk more. That’s my hope!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: alcohol, communication, masturbation, relationships, Self Pleasure, sexual observations, Spouses, touching
Just to update the status of my life so far this year:
Things with my wife have been better than 2007 started out.
Communication has improved but still nowhere near where I would care for it to be. I have continued trying – not giving up like I had resolved last year. She had said she would improve but that only held for two or three days. It has returned to the usual level of ‘not much’ for her.
Sex has been more frequent – twice this year and four times in the last 24 days. That’s pretty much a record compared to the past year. It’s a very sad data report – but at least it’s better than 12 times in 12 months. I think that there’s hope. I also have come to the reality that I think that in my mind that I would like something sexual to happen at least once a week. I don’t want to say that I would expect it, but it would be nice to at least have something to count on. I don’t want it to be ’scheduled’ and I would love some more spontaneity in our lives. I will try to talk to her more about that – I already brought it up once but I think that she was drunk and will not have remembered it.
Drinking. I feel that this will be a big issue this year. If I ‘allow’ her to drink, I have a much better shot at the more frequent sex. It’s not that I forbid her – I just really discourage it because she’s so volatile. I am convinced that some of the strangeness is a mix of the alcohol and her diet pills/shakes/etc. I don’t know how to get through that issue. I just can’t rely on her to be a responsible parent FIRST if she drinks. I would love to enjoy a glass of wine with her and to come home and have a tall cocktail certain days. Weekend mimosas would be a welcome change as well. It’s just I can’t be a hypocrite and condone it sometimes and not others. This causes me too much thought and weighing the future of our lives together versus satisfying my sexual wants.
Touching. I long – no I need – to be touched. This is not necessarily sexual, but I want to have my hand held. I want to be hugged. I want to snuggle. I have brought this up too many times and for that two day period in December – I received it. I was happy. I felt better. My days were better. Best Friend has been through a lot in the past 30 days and we have tried to see if we could get together for a cuddle session. That has not worked and I have found myself coming to a reality that it may not work. I believe that we both need it and that it would be beneficial to us both. Still nothing sexual, but no matter what – the risks of being found out weigh heavily. Last month we met at a bar in a restaurant and just sat next to each other – shoulder to shoulder and held hands while we talked. If one of her co-workers or one of my family members had been at that restaurant that night – there’s no way to explain it to them. If B.F.’s husband had come in – he would have gone ballistic. If my wife had shown up – I honestly feel that she would ultimately understand – but that’s just that she does trust me. If we were kissing or something else – she would cut my pecker off. I just need to be touched more.
Masturbation. I have lots of issues with this subject. First and foremost, I feel strongly that if you feel the need to pleasure yourself because you’re not getting that ‘release’ with your spouse – that you should work together more on that. If you do it just because you can or feel that you need to – there’s some deeper issues that need looking at. Having kids raises more issues as well as I don’t want them to think of it as ‘dirty’ but I also want them to walk in on dad cranking one out to naked pictures of mom. My original plan for the year – based upon the communications that we had about being more open and more sexual – was that any pleasure would be done with the other person unless we were out of town, etc. There’s just been a few times already that I haven’t been able to go without it. More talking needs to occur here and I need to work out these other feelings/thoughts.
Friends. I need to reach out more to our friends. Mutual friends, our own friends, old friends. My social life sucks and we need to get out more and have more people over. I think that part of our problems revolve around that our lives revolve around eachother, work, and our household. We need that communication and adult conversation (that’s conversation with adults).
To wrap it all up – progress has been made – we still have a lot of work in others. I need to think more clearly on the good/bad of choices that I have made or need to make.
In a very peculiar change of events – my wife wanted to talk to me during lunch so she came and met me at work. I expressed my concern of their making me to be the ‘mean’ person and cancelling the summer vacation that we cannot afford right now. She thinks that they have worked out a story – but it’s just that – a story. All made up. My children are much smarter than that and I am sure I will still be the bad guy.
She goes on to admit that she’s not been around for me or for the family. She wants to change jobs. She says that she has let me down as a wife. She says that she wants to change. She wants to start the new year off with a ‘clear slate’.
You must excercise restraint when something like this is laid upon you. At first, you want to be like – ‘yes, you have – you are correct’. But you also want to be upset in the ‘this is what I’ve been trying to tell you all this time’ way. There’s not a good answer, coupled with I am unsure what brought this up. Is she honestly feeling guilty about the way she’s been treating me? Is she feeling the fact that she is turning forty in a week? Maybe she has alterior motives? Maybe she’s just playing me? Maybe she realized what a nice husband I really am? It’s very difficult to be happy – yet not scared of what is going on.
Lunch went well. She held my hand and hugged me during the lunch. That has not happened in over a year – perhaps longer.
After lunch we drove back to work and I tried explaining a home project to her in more detail, she really wasn’t into it yesterday. She seemed more open to it. Kind of like a new person.
She sat on my lap and kissed me in my office. We talked more. It brought me back to thinking of the ‘old days’ when would make love at work. We worked together so it was much more convenient. But if either of us was feeling frisky – we would just do it. It was exciting. It was fun. As she continued to kiss me I asked her if she wanted to make one of my fantasies come true – she asked which one.
I have always wanted to go to my desk – either at work or at home and have her already be under the desk before I get there. I would go to sit down to do work and she would surprise me by being there. She would unzip my pants and start sucking on my penis and playing with my balls. I would try to concentrate on work – not an easy thing to do. My fantasy has me continuing to try to work while she works on my penis. Even if the phone rings or if people come to ask me things – there’s a modesty panel on the desk so she would not be seen. She would have be quiet. The fantasy has her swallowing and licking me clean, then zipping me back to normal. She’s known this one for quite a while, but hasn’t acted upon it. She brought me back to reality with a ‘that’s not happening’.
This is the most affection that she’s shown in almost a year. Again, I don’t know what brought this on or what the motive could be – but it’s REAL nice.
