Frustrated at Forty

In looking at my current situation, I have to look back at my life. Mostly this is to see if I can see a pattern or to see if I can see possible reasons for my current situation.

Drugs and alcohol pretty much affect your sexual prowess in several ways. Coke and alcohol are like ego boosters. Coke gets you all antsy and wanting to take out your speedy, tweaky, energy with someone. But, your stamina is pretty much shit and your hardness level sucks as well. Sex on coke is not fun. Playing around with cocaine as foreplay – that was fun.  There were ‘numbies’ where we would take what was left of the residue on the mirror or whatever surface we were snorting from and you’d rub your finger across it and then onto your gums. It would numb your gums, lips, and the part above your lip and in between your nose.  Allowing someone to take numbies from your hard penis was fun.  For those girls who did not like to give blow jobs, cocaine provided the pain killer to let them do it.  Cocaine kills the taste buds as well, so I’m sure that made it more tolerable.  Snorting little piles of coke off of a naked body was pretty fun as well.  The first person who turned me onto coke was a very gay guy who really liked me. He worked at the restaurant and always wanted me to be his special friend.  During a pool party he asked me to come into the restroom with him.  I was very hesitant in that I did not want to be seen going behind a closed door with a guy that was very vocal that he wanted me.  He told me that he wanted to share some coke with me and after seeing that it was ‘just’ for the drugs – I entered.  Little did know that that particular introduction would dog me for quite some years.
Alcohol, at first – gets rid of your/their inhibitions that make you more willing to think – what the fuck? Why not? When you have too much to drink – just past the “I’m Invincible” stage – you get to where you are not so choose as to who you will attempt to do something with. Beer goggles. Drunk sex isn’t so much fun in that that you have wake up sober eventually. Sometimes with remorse – but worse is the not really remembering what you did. If you are extremely lucky, the other person was in the same boat and neither remembers or at that point – even cares. But if you had more than they did, I promise that they remember and you can count any long term relationship out at that point.  My sad reality was that my body doesn’t seem to metabolize the alcohol as quickly as others.  This means that I am capable of drinking A LOT before it actually starts affecting me.  The worst part of this was that by the time I realized that I should stop – I should have stopped about an hour or two prior to noticing.
Around this time, after high school, I started what became my lifetime of having more friends that were girls than guys.  I have never figured out if I was just ‘safe’ – non-threatening – or if there was more to it.  I always had six or seven girls that I could just hang out with.  We could sleep in the same rooms – hell, in the same beds – and nothing would ever happen.  We would travel together.  People always assumed that we were all sleeping together.  I’m not saying that I didn’t want something more to happen, it’s just that I didn’t push it and it didn’t really matter at the time as we all were drinking and doing drugs.