Yesterday – after a nice morning sex session – we spent the rest of the morning working on some long-term projects together. It was an enjoyable day. We had plans to go to a party last night – without kids!
I didn’t know how many people were invited and to be honest, kind of hoped that we would be able to find a bathroom, removed from the festivities. I kind of like doing that and she normally is receptive to the whole idea.
Sadly the wife started drinking mid-afternoon. She had almost two or three glasses before we had left and was almost to angry-drunk mode. It was not shaping up to be a nice evening. We arrived and there were only about seven other people. The way that the house was situated, we would not be able to escape for fifteen minutes unnoticed. Oh well. She continued drinking. There’s a point – a bit after cute drunk, around the time of angry drunk – where she becomes a bit more animated. This can be good (if we are having sex) but can be bad in company. She talks as if she knows a bit more than she does and can embarrass herself – or others – without being aware of it. This was where she was last night. She actually only put her foot in her mouth a couple of times and only alienated one person – not bad.
Her path progressed to quiet, drunk lady. She has no expression and will not say anything aloud. She may mumble to herself – but it starts not being so pretty any longer. I read that it was time to go. Saying good-bye took a bit longer. She was almost angry and was babbling about nothing in particular – but it was VERY important to her. I was hoping that she would fall asleep soon. She finally did about halfway home.
I knew there was no chance for anything last night. I didn’t even want to try. She was quiet again and slipped into bed and was out.
Since the kids were away, I figured that we had a great opportunity in the morning again. Nope. Not even a good morning kiss. She was stumbling around – hangover-ish. I stayed in bed and slept another hour and half. I tried to initiate a last ditch effort but she was not receptive.
Before noon, she was hitting the hair of the dog.
In looking at these posts – there’s a correlation between having sex and her drinking. When she isn’t drinking, I’m not getting any. I’m miserable during those times. Here’s the magic question? Is it worth it? Let her drink and deal with those circumstances – but get laid…..
I came back from out of town and spent a long, heavy, day of yard work. She was very happy with the work and was hinting towards some bedroom action. I was tired and my back was hurting in a bad way. Sadly, she had started with a beer with dinner and graduated to wine shortly thereafter. I tried to keep interested but it soon progressed to sloppy drunk and was not going to be worth the effort. She passeed out/went to bed hinting that I should come join her. I peeked in and she was snoring. When I went to bed, she looked great. The morning would be better.
I woke up before her again and started kissing her. I could tell she was a bit woosy from the night before and she tried using the excuse that she thought the kids were awake. I assured her that they were not. Then she tried saying that she didn’t want to be ‘dripping’ all day. I countered that I would pull out if it made it any easier for her. I was desperate.
She took her shorts off and I spooned up behind her. She started rubbing me and was kissing the back of her neck. She inserted my penis inside her from behind and we were screwing. There’s a mirror on her side of the bed and her expression was a mix of semi-excitement and looking like she was going to hurl. It kind of was killing the mood for me as well. I moved a bit more so that I was on top – but still behind her so I didn’t have to look at the expression in the mirror. She started getting more into what we were doing. She said it was okay to cum inside her – she would deal with it. For a brief moment, I thought there would be a chance for some mutual happiness. I was wrong.
We have a very busy weekend planned, I asked her if she was up for some more fun. She didn’t cockblock me like she would normally do. Maybe there’s hope?
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: alcohol, Having Sex, Making Love, Sex Thoughts
Life around the ol’ homestead has been frustrating at best. We’re not speaking. We don’t communicate ANYTHING. It kind of puts a damper on anything sexually related as well.
Saturday was more of the same.
Sunday I surprised her by kissing her non-stop for no apparent reason. At first she was annoyed. Then happy. And then kind of okay with all of that. In passing through the house I reminded her that tonight was her last chance at an orgasm for over a week – I was going out of town. She said something playfully and I could tell that we were on!
As the day progressed, I made the mistake of sharing a fruity-malt-type liquor thing with her – she had said that she had already had one. Hmmmmmm.
While cooking, she opened a new bottle of wine. By the time we set down for dinner – there was less than a half glass left in the bottle. She was in her ‘playful’ drunk mood. It did not bode well for later in the evening as she soon gets tired and then uncaring. I tried to play my cards to seduce her into the bedroom early – but was cockblocked by the kids still being awake.
She warned me that she wasn’t ’sure’ she could stay awake for me. I had halfway resigned and admitted defeat as she turned off her light. I tried to get the kids to sleep – even bribing was on the table. It was not working.
I went into the room on her side of the bed and started rubbing her butt and thighs while kissing her shoulder, neck and ear. I told her that it was her night and that I would just stay on the side of the bed – giving her a ‘VERY personal’ massage. She tried to use the kids as an excuse again and I quickly thought of that everything would be under the sheets for her. If someone came in, they would be none the wiser.She still wavered on the whole thing but I was unrelenting. I started giving her a massage with the sheet on top of her. First her neck and shoulders, down her back, her ass, thighs, calves and feet. I spent about 20 minutes on her feet – not because she was enjoying it – but because the kids were still not asleep. The kids finally turned their lights out and were quiet. I knew they were still not quite asleep and that I still needed to keep her in some level of awareness.
I slowly moved the massage to under the sheets, still while kneeling on the side of the bed. My hands roamed her back and one hand found the crease between your legs. There was a lack of moistness that was disturbing as it could either be the alcohol or the lack of interest. I was betting on the former. I licked my finger to be able to probe for some moistness and finally found some. Her interest level was still not up to my par so I turned her over.
Her interest level was still not up to par so I moved her onto her back and situated her legs so that they were slightly parted so that my fingers had good access. She acted more awake and propped herself on her elbows. This gave my mouth wonderful access to her breasts and my right hand was attempting to get the lower half into sync with me. We were kissing passionately which was getting me very excited as well.
I insisted that tonight was ‘her’ night and that it was her turn to come. She half-heartedly denied needing anything – but continued playing for me. She was begging me to go down on her and I was denying her the pleasure. I told her that she had to be patient if she wanted my penis. She seemed distressed at having to wait. She laid down perpendicular to the edge of the bed and was waiting for my tongue. I climbed up on top of her and told her that she had to wait for the penis – or would she? I slipped inside her and started really getting into the sex. She commented that I would cum to quickly and I told her that it was impossible as she had to come first tonight. I teased her by starting to go down on her but then playfully humping her instead. I felt like she was getting into it a bit more and moved down to her waiting pussy. It was literally dripping wet. Her taste was sweet and clean – something that I had missed in the past 30 days. We were still attempting to stay as quiet as possible as we couldn’t be for sure that the kids were asleep.
In what seemed like not time at all – she was biting down on the comforter while her body bucked with excitement. She tried to get me to stop but I was enjoying the additional flavors and feelings. I relented and kissed my way out of her, along her thigh, to her hip and up between her breasts. She was already taking my pants down and using her feet to get them all the way off. We fucked hard. The night was warm and we were drenched in sweat. Tasting her sweat while kissing her next and forehead almost seemed unnatural. She maneuvered her leg up over my shoulder allowing me to penetrate deeper with each thrust. She was controlling where I was hitting her and our breathing was accelerated almost in unison. We exploded together and stayed connected while the fever we had created slowly subsided.
I rolled off of her and got her pajamas for her. We lay together for a few minutes before she was asleep.
I leave for a week and then we have plans this coming weekend for mother’s day. I bet this will be the last sex we have until the end of the month – but then she leaves….
Moments like this are comparable to that ‘last sex’ that you want to have. If something were to happen – be it an accident, a fight, divorce, or even death. This is the kind of lovemaking you want to be that ‘last’ time. You both are happy and content – and for us – for the moment all is well.
It’s a Friday night. The weekend. Your period ended early in the week. Chances are pretty good that we’re going to have sex. I get home and the proverbial shit hits the fan. Obviously nothing I am doing is making you happy and you are quite vocal about that. Between us fighting, the kids fighting – not looking like a good night.
I go to the office and try to work on some bills and you stay watching tv and drinking more wine. When it’s time for bed, the kids are surprisingly sleepy and go to bed almost on time. I try asking you about your day, the weekend plans, etc – because I really would like to know what’s going on in your life. You don’t say anything of value and say it’s time for sleep. You pretty much demand that I come to bed with you anyway. I’m thinking that angry, drunk sex is better than none at all. I made a round though the house making sure everything is locked and come back to bed. I strip down and crawl up next to you. The smell of booze that is oozing from your pores is not exactly a turn-on. I hold onto your hands and….
And…. you’re out. Out like a light. There are times when you are like this that I honestly feel like I should take advantage of the situation. I don’t necessarily mean forced sex – but a little bit of humiliation could be justified to show how out of it you are. I think of masturbating into your face and hair. Maybe just over your top. Something that would still be there in the morning and would maybe make you realize that there’s a problem here. I think about this but decide it’s not proper. What if the kids saw you first?
I go back to the office, turn on the computer and finish some work.
When I went back to the room to go to sleep – opening the door brought a brand new definition of stench to mind. I felt that if I lit a match – the whole room would explode from the fumes. I crawled into bed and tried to stay as far on my side of the bed as I could.
The morning came and I woke before you did. The smell was not as bad and the heat from the sun shining into our windows make it warm enough that you had kicked the covers off. You were wearing a slightly sheer cotton top. Looking at you sleeping, looking kind of cute made me happy that I didn’t follow through with my idea from last night. You started stirring and moved up into you to say good morning. You were surprisingly happy for what I had expected to be a headachy morning for you. You were also usually friendly so early and quickly had my shorts off. I was starting to get very hard while you stripped out of your night clothes. Your breath was atrocious – but you wouldn’t let me kiss you – I think you knew. You pushed my kissing lips down to your chest and I happily stroked and kissed you. While I was busy doing that your hand found my penis and directed it inside you. You were slightly moist, but as always, I could tell that this was going to be another one of ‘those’ encounters where you were not into it as much as I was. Again, it’s better than nothing so I rolled you on top of me.
I was hoping that this would allow you to control the excitement level for yourself a bit more. I really should have reached over for some lubrication from your drawer. Oh right. You moved it out of the drawer for some stupid reason. Having you on top gave me wonderful access to your chest. I concentrated less on my penis and a whole lot on your nipples and that perfect spot between your breasts for my face. For a brief minute I realized that there was a chance that you would come as well. I thought a bit too much about it and came. I tried to stay inside of you and when you rolled off of me I tried to get you back into the groove with my finger. You used the excuse that our daughter was the door. She wasn’t.
I attempted to keep you in the bed so that we could talk more about the weekend – you were pretty adamant about getting out of bed.
I tried talking about last night – you denied that you had been drinking so much and you were ‘just tired’.
I really wish we could have a discussion about this.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: alcohol, Having Sex, porn, Sex Observations, Spouses
I return home from a trip and find the driveway empty. My obvious thought is that they all went out to eat without me. There’s a note on the door that says “Be Right Back” in my child’s handwriting.
Her car pulls up and she’s alone. Both kids have sleepovers and it’s just the two of us. This is a big surprise as she hasn’t planned anything for us since December of 2006.
She had brought me some dinner so she wouldn’t have to cook and we wouldn’t have to clean up after it. I asked what she had in mind for the evening and she said she wanted to watch a movie. With children we pretty much only watch G and PG rated movies any longer. She wanted to to be able to make love and maybe she would even be in the mood for some porn. Wow! You could have knocked me over with a feather at this news.
The problem was, and it just became more evident as the evening progressed. She had been drinking. She started slurring a bit and had no concentration. I don’t know how much she had already had. She poured us each a glass of wine. I had asked her to pick some R-Rated – non-child movies to watch and she immediately started looking for some porn. Good ol’ Cinemax (Skinamax) didn’t start up until 9pm and it was only 7pm. I reminded her of our old stash of 90’s porn and she reluctantly chose one that she did not remember. It was a dubbed European title that I did not even remember watching. We couldn’t get past five minutes of it. The dubbing was poor and the basic plot was just fucking. She likes things with a ’story’. She chose a different one and that was fine. She had refilled her glass of wine and had stripped down. She left her bra on – ‘because it was pretty’. We watched the first part of the movie while our hands roamed each other’s bodies and kissed each other while the other watched. She started rubbing my penis through my boxers. Soon enough she was backing herself up to me and let me penetrate her from behind while we were spooned together. I pulled myself from her extreme moistness and went down on her. I asked her to tell me what was happening on the TV while I licked her with fervor. The couple was screwing on the bed while a maid was watching and playing with herself. I asked her to give me details while I was licking her. She complied and wanted me in her. I denied that request and continued licking until she stopped narrating the movie and she concentrated on herself. Soon she had come and my chin and cheeks were wet with her happiness. I climbed on top and was soon ready to cum. She started licking my nipples and that was it – I was done.
I rolled off of her and we returned to watching the movie. It was an orgy scene now and I continued to play with her breasts. Her hand found my cock again and she started stroking it with vigor. Too much vigor. Friction burns hurt no matter what is used to help lube it up. It was still moist from our playing but I’ve been at this point before. She wants more and if I’m not up to the occasion she takes it out on my penis. This is the alcohol taking control of the situation. I should just walk away from it but we’re back on the ’scheduled sex’ schedule so I know it’s going to be another week. I pull far enough out of her reach and continue licking her nipples and trying to get her to come again with my fingers.
Again, after a certain point of alcohol – it won’t happen. I’ve been here too many times before. My penis is ready for round two and I roll her on top of me. At this point, my penis hurts from being rubbed too hard and the act is pretty much not so enjoyable any longer. I know that she won’t orgasm – even being on top and controlling where I am hitting her. I can tell it’s frustrating her and I try to talk her into pleasuring herself while I’m in her. She tries but again, I can tell it won’t be happening for her. I get to the point that I’m ready to cum again and ask if she wants me to cum inside her. She is so frustrated with me that she doesn’t answer. I cum and she sort of rolls off of me.
In about four minutes she’s snoring. While she’s laying there passed out I reflect on the whole thing. The sad reality is that if I want sex – I have to put up with the alcohol. As a sober person she rarely wants anything to do with me. Is that a problem with me to her? Does she feel she has to be drunk to have sex? I have lost about 30 pounds, maybe could loose another ten – but I hardly feel ugly enough to think she’s got to be drunk. Maybe it’s what she uses to lower her inhibitions? That’s kind of scary because then I worry about what happens if she’s been drinking and I’m not around? Pizza boy? Man at a bar? Neighbors? That’s not healthy for me to think about. While pondering these crazy questions I finish my wine. And hers. Hell, might as well finish the bottle. I did.
I watched a violent movie that I could never watch with the kids in the house. Domino. Stupid movie. But it has Keira Knightley and she’s easy on the eyes. She’s of that age that I don’t feel comfortable seeing her naked – kind of dirty.
She’s still out by the end of the movie. I try covering her up but she wakes up. She stumbles to our bed and is snoring within 30 seconds. At this point I decide that I’m going to clean up all evidence of our evening and see what she says in the morning. This is the alcohol thinking in ME. I want to see what she says. I put up all the videos, the hide-a-bed, wash the sheets – everything is put away and cleaned. In my feeble little mind I justify this action as I wonder if she will have any memories.
We’ll see in the morning. My dick hurts.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: alcohol, Having Sex, Sex Thoughts, Spouses
After a week of being frustrated with the lack of sex – and pretty much lack of anything else between us – I woke up this morning horny. I tried to get her to come back into bed but she ignored me. I drifted back to sleep and had dreams of us doing all sorts of things to our bodies. Once awake, I tried to find her but she was already in a mood. We continued to fight – she left to go do things – I had things to do. That held up my plans but it was easier to let her go and not have to deal with her. I went to do things that she was supposed to do and returned to work in the yard. I did not know what she was doing while I was working but saw her get a glass of wine through the window.
When I was done, I went to go pick up something and the whole family kept calling me on my way back. I could tell something was up. I drive up to be greeted with champagne for the adults and sparkling cider for the kids. Another toast was in order – obviously she didnt’ remember the other toast from Friday. I could tell that she was tipsy.
I made another command decision that I was going to drink champagne and pretty much, come hell or not – would be fucking my drunk wife by the end of the night. Of course she had no idea about this but I knew what I had to do. I had three glasses of champagne with dinner. She was just bitchy all night. Rude comments. Argumentative towards everyone. She got up from dinner and informed me that I was to do the dishes and went to our room. I finished her glass of champagne while doing the dishes. She came in at one point from behind me and tried kissing me – but missed. She told me that when I was ready for bed that she would be kissing me – and left. At this point, I knew that she was already drunk and that I was right behind her. I was going to wake her up or do whatever was necessary, but I would sticking my dick into whatever orrifices I thought needed some penis.
Cleaning up her mess from the kitchen took unusually long and once finished, I downed the last big gulp of champagne. The effect alcohol has on you is pretty unique. It’s hot, but cool. The taste gives you strength even though you know that the overall aftertaste is pretty bad. I went into our room and stripped off all my clothes while climbing into bed. I went straight to her and she was unusally receptive to wrapping our bodies together. She was avoiding my mouth and really was doing whatever she could to keep her head turned away even though we were in a tight embrace.
She would say things but deny them minutes later. I mentioned something about how much clothing she had on and she didn’t bite as to her needing to remove it. It was too drunk people with two different agendas. She was trying to be coy, and not really wanting to do anything – yet she was tugging on my penis almost to the point of being uncomfortable. I was pretty much going do fuck her anyway but was trying for it to be a mutual thing. I gave her two options – option ‘A’ was that I give her sexual pleasure with my fingers. Option ‘B’ was my giving her sexual pleasure with my tongue. She didn’t want either one – I insisted those were the only choices. She wanted one more. Option ‘C’ was her giving me sexual pleasure with her mouth. She continued to waver between things and really was refusing to kiss me. My roaming hands went everywhere from nipples, to back to neck, to hips to between her legs. After what seemed like ten minutes, I finally maneuvered her to spread her legs and slipped my fingers into her. She was so wet. When she drinks, it’s very difficult to get her to come. I was working her over very well – but again, I was light headed at this point and cannot ascertain that I was being consistent either. She relented finally and took off her clothes.
I gave her the options again A, B, or C – and I made up D which was my screwing her breasts and cumming on her chin. I also let her know that ‘E’ would come after that – just our having sex. She wanted a taste of ‘E’. My penis entered her from on top and between the slippery state she was in and the frustrated pounding I was wanting to give her – I damn near pushed her up into the headboard. She was ecstatic! I told her that we had to stick to the schedule – we finished A – needed to move on to B. She tasted so sweet. Wine in general – and especially champagne – goes so well with wet pussy. We have enjoyed champagne (much in the past) where I have poured it into her and lapped it out with zeal. Someone should bottle that essence. Again, not knowing if who’s alcohol level was preventing my licking her to orgasm – my tongue was getting tired. I was really thinking that she was ready for ‘C’ and I was more than willing to let her. After some more maneuvering in the bed, she wanted to skip back to ‘E’. She directed my penis into her and started going at it. I insisted that she needed to come first and she insisted that it was about me this evening. More evidence of her drinking but I was not complaining!
I got into a good rhythm of pounding into her and before I knew it her left leg was up by my head. The sheets were damp with sweat and together we were having that raw kind of sex that you wish you had a camera for. I warned her that I was getting dangerously close and urged her to let me lick her before I came. She wasn’t going to have any of that and I finally exploded. I wouldn’t let her get out of bed and rolled her to the side and started working on her with my fingers again. I just couldn’t get her there and offered to let her show me what she needed. She wanted me screw her from behind and she would work herself from the front – like we used to do. I reminded her that she hasn’t done that in probably five or six years but she said she remembered it. She tried all she could to get me hard again and between her breasts, her nipples, her stomach, her hips and her talking dirty – I got just hard enough. She climbed on top of me and tried. I knew this was a lost cause as she was trying to ride me with long strokes – something a not 100% hard penis can accommodate. I tried talking her into letting me roll her over but she refused. She rolled off of me we held and kissed longer. She didn’t run to the bathroom or try to get dressed immediately.
Eventually she put on some panties and a shirt and crawled next to me again. I got her to promise that tomorrow night I would make her come and she could compare how she slept between the two nights. She promised even though I knew she wouldn’t remember. I asked, as I often do during this time why she doesn’t enjoy making love like that more often. She mumbled something about no time and drifted to sleep.
I could not got to sleep. The mixture of the smell of the room, the damp sheets, and the wet spots make my mind race more. Was I just feeding the monster by giving her what she wanted while she’s drunk and even more so by going there myself? I was supposed to have ‘the talk’ about her NOT drinking. Maybe I’ll have to do that this week. . .
All week long I have been begging for sex with my wife. She has looked incredibly sexy when she’s come home. I’ve offered to help her out of her work clothes. I’ve offered to help her change into her jammies. I’ve tried going to bed at the same time. Nothing worked.
She informed me that there we were all going out to eat at a relatively fancy restaurant tonight and that she was going to spend Saturday night with the girls. Friday night restaurant was to be a celebration of her new job – something that guess I wasn’t making a big enough deal over. I suggested that the sleepover occur on Saturday so that after the celebratory dinner, we could engage in celebratory sex. That did not go over well either. Making a command decision – I insisted that the sleepover occur on Friday (along with dinner). She let me know that my decision meant “I was not getting any all weekend”. Using my poor communication skills of not shutting up at the right moment – I responded with the “I wasn’t planning on it”. I have been feeling under the weather – like something coming on so I really didn’t think I would be much up for it anyway. There was a little bit of method to my madness.
Dinner comes to be and I went home to take everyone there – the whole family plus an extra for the sleepover. Wife was odd but I just wasn’t opening my eyes I think. I saw her get a glass for wine but didn’t think anything of it. She wore a sweater that has laces – like shoestrings – up the front. It’s very flattering and her cleavage was quite striking. I let her out early to go get our name on the list and proceeded to the valet parking – free for this restaurant. We had a table immediately and started the ordering process. She opted for a glass of wine – again, me not noticing anything strange about it.
Her ordering was unlike her normal self. She didn’t want appetizers, but she wanted appetizers. She kept wavering and was not making any sense. We moved past that and when she ordered for the kids, she became very confused with the whole process. Again – I was not looking at the big picture now either. While we waited, I tried holding her hands. I told her how nice she looked. I tried sitting close to her. I tried to have a conversation. It was not working. The kids were all busy with electronic games and I tried to bring them into conversations. It was at this point that I really thought that she was just ‘wanting’ to be celebrated.
I broke down and ordered a beer – once I had a drink we all toasted which seemed to liven her up a bit. The food arrived and her meat was unusually rare – rarer than I have ever seen her eat. I asked if it was too red for her and she just smiled in a crappy manner to me. She sort of ate it. Mine was delicious and we usually share bites from each other’s plates. I shared mine – it was not reciprocal. I had told everyone how wonderful the deserts were and tried to get everyone excited. I asked wife which one she wanted and she didn’t want one. I insisted and then she decided to argue with the kids over the whole thing. I just ordered two deserts anyway. She was VERY quiet at this point and would sort of make sounds but no real words came from her mouth – just smart ass mouthings of things. It was very irritable to witness.
The deserts finally came and looked great! They had brought extra spoons for all of us and some extra napkins. She started reaching across the table – dipping her sleeves in the food. I tried to save them but she pulled away rudely. She stopped the kids from grabbing spoons before she did and started arguing with them – but just not coherently. She ended up trying to stuff her face – all the while slopping food all over the table and herself. I handed her the first clean napkin and she threw it on the floor. I handed her a second one and she slammed it on the table. I tried to keep the mess from going everywhere and the kids at this point were just laughing at her.
We paid the bill and got up to leave – I had to get her out of the booth and she almost brought me down trying to get her up. Once up, she had two napkins stuck in her lap – one in the creases of her sweater, the other in between her legs. I had to get them off of her and she thought I was being grabby, I guess. I offered her my arm as she was a bit wobbly. We went outside and waited for the car to be brought around. There was a light rain and I offered to help her with her jacket but she refused. She was standing in the rain and then decided she wanted her coat on. I tried assisting her which pissed her off even more. I gave up on the process and barely got her into the car.
She got home and had to use the walls to navigate to our room. She made it to the bathroom, stripped, washed and was in bed without saying another word.
I got the kids settled and doing fun things and in my travels through the house I came upon the almost empty bottle of wine. I am pretty astute to things and I do not think that she had time to have more than one glass – but she obviously did. She was freakin’ drunk again!
I had thought that this chapter of our lives was done. Little did I know…
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: alcohol, communication, masturbation, relationships, Self Pleasure, sexual observations, Spouses, touching
Just to update the status of my life so far this year:
Things with my wife have been better than 2007 started out.
Communication has improved but still nowhere near where I would care for it to be. I have continued trying – not giving up like I had resolved last year. She had said she would improve but that only held for two or three days. It has returned to the usual level of ‘not much’ for her.
Sex has been more frequent – twice this year and four times in the last 24 days. That’s pretty much a record compared to the past year. It’s a very sad data report – but at least it’s better than 12 times in 12 months. I think that there’s hope. I also have come to the reality that I think that in my mind that I would like something sexual to happen at least once a week. I don’t want to say that I would expect it, but it would be nice to at least have something to count on. I don’t want it to be ’scheduled’ and I would love some more spontaneity in our lives. I will try to talk to her more about that – I already brought it up once but I think that she was drunk and will not have remembered it.
Drinking. I feel that this will be a big issue this year. If I ‘allow’ her to drink, I have a much better shot at the more frequent sex. It’s not that I forbid her – I just really discourage it because she’s so volatile. I am convinced that some of the strangeness is a mix of the alcohol and her diet pills/shakes/etc. I don’t know how to get through that issue. I just can’t rely on her to be a responsible parent FIRST if she drinks. I would love to enjoy a glass of wine with her and to come home and have a tall cocktail certain days. Weekend mimosas would be a welcome change as well. It’s just I can’t be a hypocrite and condone it sometimes and not others. This causes me too much thought and weighing the future of our lives together versus satisfying my sexual wants.
Touching. I long – no I need – to be touched. This is not necessarily sexual, but I want to have my hand held. I want to be hugged. I want to snuggle. I have brought this up too many times and for that two day period in December – I received it. I was happy. I felt better. My days were better. Best Friend has been through a lot in the past 30 days and we have tried to see if we could get together for a cuddle session. That has not worked and I have found myself coming to a reality that it may not work. I believe that we both need it and that it would be beneficial to us both. Still nothing sexual, but no matter what – the risks of being found out weigh heavily. Last month we met at a bar in a restaurant and just sat next to each other – shoulder to shoulder and held hands while we talked. If one of her co-workers or one of my family members had been at that restaurant that night – there’s no way to explain it to them. If B.F.’s husband had come in – he would have gone ballistic. If my wife had shown up – I honestly feel that she would ultimately understand – but that’s just that she does trust me. If we were kissing or something else – she would cut my pecker off. I just need to be touched more.
Masturbation. I have lots of issues with this subject. First and foremost, I feel strongly that if you feel the need to pleasure yourself because you’re not getting that ‘release’ with your spouse – that you should work together more on that. If you do it just because you can or feel that you need to – there’s some deeper issues that need looking at. Having kids raises more issues as well as I don’t want them to think of it as ‘dirty’ but I also want them to walk in on dad cranking one out to naked pictures of mom. My original plan for the year – based upon the communications that we had about being more open and more sexual – was that any pleasure would be done with the other person unless we were out of town, etc. There’s just been a few times already that I haven’t been able to go without it. More talking needs to occur here and I need to work out these other feelings/thoughts.
Friends. I need to reach out more to our friends. Mutual friends, our own friends, old friends. My social life sucks and we need to get out more and have more people over. I think that part of our problems revolve around that our lives revolve around eachother, work, and our household. We need that communication and adult conversation (that’s conversation with adults).
To wrap it all up – progress has been made – we still have a lot of work in others. I need to think more clearly on the good/bad of choices that I have made or need to make.
I should have known. Life continues to deal me the sucky hand.
We are back to the recently old version of our lives – nothing has changed.
The only thing I can attribute the good change to was apparenty alcohol induced.
Not to say I didn’t enjoy it while it lasted – I just shouldn’t have got my hopes up so high.
This begs me to reason – how bad would it be to initiate her drinking so that I can have my way?
Obviously we have some responsibilities (kids) that I have to take into consideration, but how bad of a person would I be to actually give her the drinks in order to get that happy, sexual person back?
I am troubled as there are far more, less selfish reasons to not. But damn. I really like her for the three days.
What do you think?
Filed under: Sexual History | Tags: alcohol, cocaine sex, drugs, Friends, Sex Observations, Sexual History
In looking at my current situation, I have to look back at my life. Mostly this is to see if I can see a pattern or to see if I can see possible reasons for my current situation.
Drugs and alcohol pretty much affect your sexual prowess in several ways. Coke and alcohol are like ego boosters. Coke gets you all antsy and wanting to take out your speedy, tweaky, energy with someone. But, your stamina is pretty much shit and your hardness level sucks as well. Sex on coke is not fun. Playing around with cocaine as foreplay – that was fun. There were ‘numbies’ where we would take what was left of the residue on the mirror or whatever surface we were snorting from and you’d rub your finger across it and then onto your gums. It would numb your gums, lips, and the part above your lip and in between your nose. Allowing someone to take numbies from your hard penis was fun. For those girls who did not like to give blow jobs, cocaine provided the pain killer to let them do it. Cocaine kills the taste buds as well, so I’m sure that made it more tolerable. Snorting little piles of coke off of a naked body was pretty fun as well. The first person who turned me onto coke was a very gay guy who really liked me. He worked at the restaurant and always wanted me to be his special friend. During a pool party he asked me to come into the restroom with him. I was very hesitant in that I did not want to be seen going behind a closed door with a guy that was very vocal that he wanted me. He told me that he wanted to share some coke with me and after seeing that it was ‘just’ for the drugs – I entered. Little did know that that particular introduction would dog me for quite some years.
Alcohol, at first – gets rid of your/their inhibitions that make you more willing to think – what the fuck? Why not? When you have too much to drink – just past the “I’m Invincible” stage – you get to where you are not so choose as to who you will attempt to do something with. Beer goggles. Drunk sex isn’t so much fun in that that you have wake up sober eventually. Sometimes with remorse – but worse is the not really remembering what you did. If you are extremely lucky, the other person was in the same boat and neither remembers or at that point – even cares. But if you had more than they did, I promise that they remember and you can count any long term relationship out at that point. My sad reality was that my body doesn’t seem to metabolize the alcohol as quickly as others. This means that I am capable of drinking A LOT before it actually starts affecting me. The worst part of this was that by the time I realized that I should stop – I should have stopped about an hour or two prior to noticing.
Around this time, after high school, I started what became my lifetime of having more friends that were girls than guys. I have never figured out if I was just ‘safe’ – non-threatening – or if there was more to it. I always had six or seven girls that I could just hang out with. We could sleep in the same rooms – hell, in the same beds – and nothing would ever happen. We would travel together. People always assumed that we were all sleeping together. I’m not saying that I didn’t want something more to happen, it’s just that I didn’t push it and it didn’t really matter at the time as we all were drinking and doing drugs.
