Frustrated at Forty

I have not spoken to Best Friend in a long time. She’s been avoiding answering me. I am okay with that in some ways but really needed some ONE to talk two these past couple of weeks. That hasn’t happened so I have a lot of built up grief and issues. When you can’t talk to someone you keep it all bottled up inside of you and the pressure is quite dangerous. I yell. I have a short temper. I get more physical acting (I don’t act upon that).
BF and I are going to hang out all day on Friday. We’re both taking the day off and will hang out together. My mind races with lots of ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’. It’s harmless on the exterior. Short of some crazy dreams that I have had – it is harmless. She has explained to her husband that we are safer together in that we’ve already been down the road of intimacy. That’s better because you don’t get hung up on the ‘what ifs’ if becoming intimate. I agree – to a point. Either she means that it was not ’special’ enough to think of going down that road again or she is more realistic t(and grown up) to know that neither of us are in a situation to do anything to change our situations. I kind of fall into the latter part of that thinking as well.
Tonight though – my mind is racing. What if we did something? The timing is a bit good with everyone out of town. What would we do? What would the result be? Deep down I know that I am capable of straying. Deep down I also know that nothing good could come from straying. People get hurt no matter what and there are no good outcomes. Nobody can keep a secret. It will always come out – rather to be spiteful, to intentially hurt, or even just by mistake.
We both long for touching but to be honest it’s too freakin’ hot for that! I have given her the option of what we do – go somewhere, drive out of town, watch movies, go to movies. I think that she has to decide so many things in a day that she won’t pick something. I’m okay with just seeing what happens. No expectations. No fears.
On other fronts – Ex Worker Friend has been coming by to work on a computer. She needs a computer and – go figure – I have some to use. I don’t break out in a sweat like I have on other occasions – or as much at least. She is cute. But in that fifteen year younger cute that is kind of lecherous. She has offered to hang out with me while the family is gone. I’ll try to make that happen as well.
Lunch Friend has also offered to take me to dinner/lunch or do things while everyone is gone.
It’s nice to feel like people care enough to offer to help!