Frustrated at Forty

Looking back at this night - hell, the past five days - I realize that I just need people. I need to talk to people. I need to be touched. I need some kind of reciprocal communication. I need to be told that I am special. I need to be loved. My ‘normal’ life does not provide this from whom it should. There’s nothing wrong with getting that communication portion from friends and others - but it should include my wife. I am going to attempt to fix that upon her return.
I also have come to the realization that I will have to insert myself into my family’s lives more. I will have to work on the homeworks and on getting all of them weaned from the damn TV and computer. That is my only hope in raising good, polite, smart children and in having some semblance of a return to a regular, healthy relationship with my wife.

I didn’t want to go home to an empty house so I called people to see what they were doing. Ex Worker Friend was the only one who responded so I ran by her house and picked her up to go have some drinks. The first place we went to was closed. We went to another that only had beer/wine - I wanted something much harder than that. We went across the street to another place. It smelled like wet carpet and only had three people at the bar. The patio had more people. The three at the bar were joined by two more locals and they were just loud an obnoxious. We drove to another place - an old haunt from my younger days and drank there. It’s funny how fifteen years is lost between two people. Things I can talk about, ideas that I had, things I’ve done - all seem like good, viable ideas to her. Part of that is good. Part of that just makes me feel like an old man.
I was carded at both places so felt better about that! I think it’s because she looks so young and I don’t look old enough to be her dad - so they just cover their butts.
Together we decided that I don’t look forty. That made me feel good as well.

Early morning wake up text from Best Friend - she had had a dream about me! That bizarre since it’s usually me having dreams involving her…
In her dream, I was getting married (present day) to someone and she was in the wedding party. Apparently I got cold feet the morning of the wedding and made Best Friend tell the bride that I had a girlfriend and wasn’t getting married. Apparently I leaned on BF so much that she had to tell my family as well. They were very upset at her - the messenger - and also at me for having a girlfriend.
That was kind of funny.

Best Friend came over this morning at about 7 o’clock. It’s a long story as to why so early, but I won’t get into that right now. She got an earful while we looked through the house and drank cups of coffee. In my NOT being able to talk to her the past couple of weeks, I had a lot to get out. We both laughed at how similar our lives are and how much we are not alone in this whole child rearing endeavor that we are mired in.
I made us some breakfast as well and before we knew it, four hours had passed. We just sat across from eachother- talking about our lives and wondering how we got to this point. When did our lives change so much? Has it been gradual? Was it quick? Did we just have blinders on to what the reality was? Did the others change or was it us? Is it a mix of everything? It felt so good to talk openly with someone.
We decided that it was time to do something. She was not up for making decisions so we opted for going to a movie. I had to take a shower before we left so I was ready in about ten minutes. It was strange to know that she was in the other room while I was taking a shower. Like a temptation, but more of just a comfort(?). I can’t explain it.
We went to the movies and our theaters here have nice seating with reclining seats and the armrests move up out of the way. About the time the movie actually started, we were holding hands. Again, it was a total comfortable feeling. A couple times during the movie she moved closer and was kind of leaning on my shoulder. It just felt good to have someone next to me.
As the lights came up after the movie, my thoughts raced to a parent from school, or someone else knowing one of us - or worse, our spouses - seeing us in the theater. My forgot that thinking as quickly as it started and to be honest - didn’t care.
We went back to my house and talked a bit more - almost like a conclusion to our whole day. Both of our lives would return to their ‘normal’ routines in a matter of hours. It was kind of wierd.
When she got up to leave, I gave her a real long hug. I just wanted a little more holding time.
We made it through a day that potentially - in my mind - could have ended much differently. I am glad. I love my Best Friend.

Ex-Worker Friend came by to do more work today. I was having an absolutely crappy day at work and welcomed the distraction. We were working on some ideas for a website and getting some edits out of the way. We were talking about something and she said something along the lines of I was ’special’ because she didn’t like too many people. The comment passed over me at first but then it came back to my head like a boomerang. What did that mean?
She was a bit more flirty than normal. As my thought ran, the sweats came as well. What a basket case I am. We ended up working late together. We finished what we needed to.
As she walked to her car I noticed how much older she appears than before. Not that she has aged, but I used to look at her as WAY younger. Dangerous younger. She has grown into a neat woman. I’m glad she’s my friend.

I have not spoken to Best Friend in a long time. She’s been avoiding answering me. I am okay with that in some ways but really needed some ONE to talk two these past couple of weeks. That hasn’t happened so I have a lot of built up grief and issues. When you can’t talk to someone you keep it all bottled up inside of you and the pressure is quite dangerous. I yell. I have a short temper. I get more physical acting (I don’t act upon that).
BF and I are going to hang out all day on Friday. We’re both taking the day off and will hang out together. My mind races with lots of ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’. It’s harmless on the exterior. Short of some crazy dreams that I have had - it is harmless. She has explained to her husband that we are safer together in that we’ve already been down the road of intimacy. That’s better because you don’t get hung up on the ‘what ifs’ if becoming intimate. I agree - to a point. Either she means that it was not ’special’ enough to think of going down that road again or she is more realistic t(and grown up) to know that neither of us are in a situation to do anything to change our situations. I kind of fall into the latter part of that thinking as well.
Tonight though - my mind is racing. What if we did something? The timing is a bit good with everyone out of town. What would we do? What would the result be? Deep down I know that I am capable of straying. Deep down I also know that nothing good could come from straying. People get hurt no matter what and there are no good outcomes. Nobody can keep a secret. It will always come out - rather to be spiteful, to intentially hurt, or even just by mistake.
We both long for touching but to be honest it’s too freakin’ hot for that! I have given her the option of what we do - go somewhere, drive out of town, watch movies, go to movies. I think that she has to decide so many things in a day that she won’t pick something. I’m okay with just seeing what happens. No expectations. No fears.
On other fronts - Ex Worker Friend has been coming by to work on a computer. She needs a computer and - go figure - I have some to use. I don’t break out in a sweat like I have on other occasions - or as much at least. She is cute. But in that fifteen year younger cute that is kind of lecherous. She has offered to hang out with me while the family is gone. I’ll try to make that happen as well.
Lunch Friend has also offered to take me to dinner/lunch or do things while everyone is gone.
It’s nice to feel like people care enough to offer to help!

The stress level these past couple of weeks has been usually high. It always seems that when one of us is leaving town that we start bickering more. A lot more. This is another one of ‘those’ instances.
Last night I kind of expected a little more affection. I came home and she was sitting watching TV - the cursed device that has driven a wedge into our relationship. I will admit that she asked me to sit down and watch it with her, so maybe I’m missing the point. It was a stupid show anyway. I went to the kids and they were more interested in playing computer games than spending time with me.
I had enough and just went to bed instead. No sense in staying awake to be ignored.
She woke me up getting into bed so I held out a glimmer that she would roll over towards me and initiate something on the eve of her being gone for two weeks. No luck.
I woke up a little before her this morning. I couldn’t tell if she was going to sleep later or wake up with me. The smell of overnight alcohol being sweat out filled our room. The rising temperature of the sun beating through the windows was not helping. Once she started stirring she rolled towards me and in a fell swoop - had her top off! Maybe it was going to be a good morning afterall….
Some times, especially lately, I can sort of tell how things are going to be. I need more communication as to why it occurs but sometimes she won’t kiss me. That’s how this day started out. Maybe it’s morning breath? Maybe she’s still partially asleep? Maybe it’s something else? I would like to know.
The room was definately heating up - more sun and now our bodies pushing on eachother. She was not interested in my kissing her mouth - just her body. I was not opposed to this, but sometimes I can get the most amazing hard-on from kissing. It wasn’t going to happen today. I took wonderful advantage of being able to kiss and rub her arms, neck, shoulders, breasts and stomach. Eventually I entered her from on top. She still would not let me kiss her mouth and would not open her eyes. I’m thinking it was the partial asleep excuse. We had a good rhythm but it just was not working for me. I felt no closeness. No love. Hell… I felt nothing other than the physical thrusting that was going on. It wasn’t even that exciting.
We synchronized our motions and I could tell that she was close. During morning where the kids are around, she purposely muffles her happiness - to the point that I often have to ask if she made it. She did.
I don’t know if it was the alcohol odor, the lack of eye contact, or the lack of kissing - but I was not getting off on this. I just wanted it to be over at this point. I eventually tired of trying to make it more exciting and she wasn’t receptive that anything had not happened yet.
I don’t know how that works because several things happen when I come: my penis throbs, my body stiffens up momentarily, I tend to say/force some kind of sound - oh yeah, a fluid comes out of me! Again, I’m not saying that I understand anything but I would think that she could tell that - at the very least - she was not the recepticle for any fluids from me.
I rolled off of her and tried to see if she was more receptive to some other playing. Normally after I come, my penis loses the severity of it’s hardness. I was still hard and under other circumstances, more than able to continue. This morning - it wasn’t going any further.
She layed next to me for a bit longer, her hand brushed against my still hard cock but seemed checked out of the whole encounter. She put her clothes back on and got out of bed.
The rest of the day just went to hell from there. Everyone is fighting. Not doing what they are supposed to. Not getting ready to leave. I just want everyone to leave. I am so looking forward to this…

Yesterday - after a nice morning sex session - we spent the rest of the morning working on some long-term projects together. It was an enjoyable day. We had plans to go to a party last night - without kids!
I didn’t know how many people were invited and to be honest, kind of hoped that we would be able to find a bathroom, removed from the festivities. I kind of like doing that and she normally is receptive to the whole idea.
Sadly the wife started drinking mid-afternoon. She had almost two or three glasses before we had left and was almost to angry-drunk mode. It was not shaping up to be a nice evening. We arrived and there were only about seven other people. The way that the house was situated, we would not be able to escape for fifteen minutes unnoticed. Oh well. She continued drinking. There’s a point - a bit after cute drunk, around the time of angry drunk - where she becomes a bit more animated. This can be good (if we are having sex) but can be bad in company. She talks as if she knows a bit more than she does and can embarrass herself - or others - without being aware of it. This was where she was last night. She actually only put her foot in her mouth a couple of times and only alienated one person - not bad.
Her path progressed to quiet, drunk lady. She has no expression and will not say anything aloud. She may mumble to herself - but it starts not being so pretty any longer. I read that it was time to go. Saying good-bye took a bit longer. She was almost angry and was babbling about nothing in particular - but it was VERY important to her. I was hoping that she would fall asleep soon. She finally did about halfway home.
I knew there was no chance for anything last night. I didn’t even want to try. She was quiet again and slipped into bed and was out.
Since the kids were away, I figured that we had a great opportunity in the morning again. Nope. Not even a good morning kiss. She was stumbling around - hangover-ish. I stayed in bed and slept another hour and half. I tried to initiate a last ditch effort but she was not receptive.
Before noon, she was hitting the hair of the dog.
In looking at these posts - there’s a correlation between having sex and her drinking. When she isn’t drinking, I’m not getting any. I’m miserable during those times. Here’s the magic question? Is it worth it? Let her drink and deal with those circumstances - but get laid…..

I came back from out of town and spent a long, heavy, day of yard work.  She was very happy with the work and was hinting towards some bedroom action.  I was tired and my back was hurting in a bad way.  Sadly, she had started with a beer with dinner and graduated to wine shortly thereafter.  I tried to keep interested but it soon progressed to sloppy drunk and was not going to be worth the effort.  She passeed out/went to bed hinting that I should come join her.  I peeked in and she was snoring.  When I went to bed, she looked great.  The morning would be better.
I woke up before her again and started kissing her.  I could tell she was a bit woosy from the night before and she tried using the excuse that she thought the kids were awake.  I assured her that they were not.  Then she tried saying that she didn’t want to be ‘dripping’ all day.  I countered that I would pull out if it made it any easier for her.  I was desperate.
She took her shorts off and I spooned up behind her.  She started rubbing me and was kissing the back of her neck.  She inserted my penis inside her from behind and we were screwing.  There’s a mirror on her side of the bed and her expression was a mix of semi-excitement and looking like she was going to hurl.  It kind of was killing the mood for me as well.  I moved a bit more so that I was on top - but still behind her so I didn’t have to look at the expression in the mirror.  She started getting more into what we were doing.  She said it was okay to cum inside her - she would deal with it.  For a brief moment, I thought there would be a chance for some mutual happiness.  I was wrong.
We have a very busy weekend planned, I asked her if she was up for some more fun.  She didn’t cockblock me like she would normally do.  Maybe there’s hope?

Life around the ol’ homestead has been frustrating at best. We’re not speaking. We don’t communicate ANYTHING. It kind of puts a damper on anything sexually related as well.
Saturday was more of the same.
Sunday I surprised her by kissing her non-stop for no apparent reason. At first she was annoyed. Then happy. And then kind of okay with all of that. In passing through the house I reminded her that tonight was her last chance at an orgasm for over a week - I was going out of town. She said something playfully and I could tell that we were on!
As the day progressed, I made the mistake of sharing a fruity-malt-type liquor thing with her - she had said that she had already had one. Hmmmmmm.
While cooking, she opened a new bottle of wine. By the time we set down for dinner - there was less than a half glass left in the bottle. She was in her ‘playful’ drunk mood. It did not bode well for later in the evening as she soon gets tired and then uncaring. I tried to play my cards to seduce her into the bedroom early - but was cockblocked by the kids still being awake.
She warned me that she wasn’t ’sure’ she could stay awake for me. I had halfway resigned and admitted defeat as she turned off her light. I tried to get the kids to sleep - even bribing was on the table. It was not working.

I went into the room on her side of the bed and started rubbing her butt and thighs while kissing her shoulder, neck and ear. I told her that it was her night and that I would just stay on the side of the bed - giving her a ‘VERY personal’ massage. She tried to use the kids as an excuse again and I quickly thought of that everything would be under the sheets for her. If someone came in, they would be none the wiser.She still wavered on the whole thing but I was unrelenting. I started giving her a massage with the sheet on top of her. First her neck and shoulders, down her back, her ass, thighs, calves and feet. I spent about 20 minutes on her feet - not because she was enjoying it - but because the kids were still not asleep. The kids finally turned their lights out and were quiet. I knew they were still not quite asleep and that I still needed to keep her in some level of awareness.
I slowly moved the massage to under the sheets, still while kneeling on the side of the bed. My hands roamed her back and one hand found the crease between your legs. There was a lack of moistness that was disturbing as it could either be the alcohol or the lack of interest. I was betting on the former. I licked my finger to be able to probe for some moistness and finally found some. Her interest level was still not up to my par so I turned her over.
Her interest level was still not up to par so I moved her onto her back and situated her legs so that they were slightly parted so that my fingers had good access. She acted more awake and propped herself on her elbows. This gave my mouth wonderful access to her breasts and my right hand was attempting to get the lower half into sync with me. We were kissing passionately which was getting me very excited as well.
I insisted that tonight was ‘her’ night and that it was her turn to come. She half-heartedly denied needing anything - but continued playing for me. She was begging me to go down on her and I was denying her the pleasure. I told her that she had to be patient if she wanted my penis. She seemed distressed at having to wait. She laid down perpendicular to the edge of the bed and was waiting for my tongue. I climbed up on top of her and told her that she had to wait for the penis - or would she? I slipped inside her and started really getting into the sex. She commented that I would cum to quickly and I told her that it was impossible as she had to come first tonight. I teased her by starting to go down on her but then playfully humping her instead. I felt like she was getting into it a bit more and moved down to her waiting pussy. It was literally dripping wet. Her taste was sweet and clean - something that I had missed in the past 30 days. We were still attempting to stay as quiet as possible as we couldn’t be for sure that the kids were asleep.
In what seemed like not time at all - she was biting down on the comforter while her body bucked with excitement. She tried to get me to stop but I was enjoying the additional flavors and feelings. I relented and kissed my way out of her, along her thigh, to her hip and up between her breasts. She was already taking my pants down and using her feet to get them all the way off. We fucked hard. The night was warm and we were drenched in sweat. Tasting her sweat while kissing her next and forehead almost seemed unnatural. She maneuvered her leg up over my shoulder allowing me to penetrate deeper with each thrust. She was controlling where I was hitting her and our breathing was accelerated almost in unison. We exploded together and stayed connected while the fever we had created slowly subsided.
I rolled off of her and got her pajamas for her. We lay together for a few minutes before she was asleep.
I leave for a week and then we have plans this coming weekend for mother’s day. I bet this will be the last sex we have until the end of the month - but then she leaves….
Moments like this are comparable to that ‘last sex’ that you want to have. If something were to happen - be it an accident, a fight, divorce, or even death. This is the kind of lovemaking you want to be that ‘last’ time. You both are happy and content - and for us - for the moment all is well.